they're in the computer... it's so simple!

"welcome to sportscenter, i'm dan clueless...this just in to the espn news desk... we're going to go live to sal get-a-life who is standing outside a men's room in the philadelphia eagles locker room at the team's training camp in bethlehem, pennsylvania... sal, what can you tell us about this latest, breaking story on t.o.?"

"well, dan, it appears t.o. has a bad case of the shits because he had three grande chalupas at taco bell for lunch today... he's been in there for over an hour and there's not telling when he might emerge to tell his side of this most controversial story... dan..."

"sal, that's just stunning... what did donovan mcnabb and eagles coach andy reid have to say about these shocking developments???"

"dan, there was an eerie silence coming from both donovan mcnabb's locker and the eagles administrative offices, perhaps suggesting further proof that the team is just fed up with t.o.'s shenanigans and only interested in distancing themselves from the entire, sordid situation... back to you, dan..."

"sal get-a-life, we'll return for more info on this latest, most astounding chapter in the t.o. saga later on in sportscenter... thank you sal... coming up after the break, the yankees... why gary sheffield's flat tire on the brooklyn/queens expressway on the way to the stadium this afternoon could spell the end of the season for the bombers... also, we'll head out to the city of angels where shelley suck-up will file a report on kobe and phil getting reunited... why does their passing each other in glendale mall and only stopping to chat for 4 and a half minutes mean certain trouble for the lakers despite the fact that the season is over two months away? more after this..."