i was first team all-state... i can put the ball anywhere i want to - i'll make it rain out here

so after all of my meticulous research i've determined the following: it's too soon to know a goddamn thing except that a majority of teams in the nfl absolutely stink... what do we really know after two weeks? the cardinals, texans, ravens, niners and vikings are bottom of the barrel... but lots of other teams are threatening to join them...

take the broncos and the chargers... their game last week was like a race between the two coaches, marty schottenheimer and mike shanahan, to see who could throttle himself fastest... sadly, it took until the final 10 seconds for a winner to emerge but, like the old, reliable choker that he is, marty squeezed hardest...

then there's the seattle seahawks, who, in their home opener, raced out to a 21-0 lead, got outscored 18-0 in the second half and had to rely on a late michael vick hamstring pull (get used to seeing phrases like that all year, dear friends) then celebrated like they'd just toughed out the nfc title game...

the cowboys, who could have and should have beaten sorry, no-account washington with their eyes closed, let the skins beat them deep twice in the last four minutes, inexplicably tried to throw the ball in the waning minutes instead of running out the clock and subsequently had to rely on drew the statue to lead a last second comeback... even worse, when the redskins finally won, a bunch of players doused over-the-hill/used-to-be-genius coach joe gibbs with gatorade and gibbs, who only has three super bowl rings, jumped up and down with his boys like he'd just won american idol... sad, sad, sad...

shit, even the pats were horrible - it was painful to watch dillon dancing behind the line of scrimmage and brady get eaten alive by the panthers blitz... but so what... the truth is, we won't really know anything - except that a) it's going to start getting cold soon, b) the red sox are in big trouble, c) anyone who rushed to sign drew the statue to their fantasy team after the first couple weeks WILL regret it and d) the blaze thinks that football is a metaphor for latent homosexuality - until at least week 5 or 6... i know, i'm not breaking any new ground here in the slightest, but shit, that's all we can really say after 2 damn weeks... will the bengals stay this explosive? doubtful... are the bears really as good as they looked against detroit? hardly... is peyton manning going to look so impotent all year? i hope so, but probably not... does chad pennington really suck this bad... well, um... yeah...

anyway, we'll know more after this weekend (including whether or not i still have a job picking games), but still not enough... so just try to stay patient, y'all... and try not to laugh too hard when the "experts" like merrill hoge, sean salisbury and those two fat guys on espn act like they know more than you... you know what? they don't...

ok, here are the picks for week 3 (home teams in CAPS)... any of you who are actually planning on gambling and even remotely using my "wisdom" as a guide, may god be with you...

pats (+3) over STEELERS
bounce back day for the toughest team in the nfl against a team they know how to beat

RAMS (-6.5) over titans
st. louis is pretty lousy but they always play well at home and the titans don't quite have it yet

EAGLES (-8) over raiders
big spread but eagles are at home and oakland d is putrid

BEARS (+3) over bengals
finally cincy faces a good d and comes back to earth

jaguars (+2.5) over JETS
two qbs, same alma mater, one tough and on the rise, the other with a weaker arm than swifty

saints (+4) over VIKINGS
road dogs win again as sorry vikes move one week closer to fraud coach mike tice getting shitcanned

panthers (-3) over DOLPHINS
miami is on the right track but i saw the panthers last week and they're just too tough

COLTS (-13.5) over browns
forget the huge spread, this is the week the colts finally get right on offense

BILLS (-3) over falcons
michael vick will play which likely means at least 3 turnovers against ferocious bills d

bucs (-3.5) over PACKERS
man is it sad to see brett favre go out like this... coach sherman will be next one gone after tice

cardinals (+6.5) over SEAHAWKS
awful cards won't win but how can anyone like seattle giving that many points against anyone?

cowboys (-6.5) over 49ERS
'boys lucky to have bounce back game against one of the worst teams in the league

CHARGERS (-5.5) over giants
chargers have to win or season's pretty much done - even marty the choker won't screw that up

BRONCOS (-3) over chiefs
kc is for real and i don't like denver at all, but the broncos are a near lock at home on monday night

that's all, folks... until next time... lates...