parting of the sensory

i'm so taken aback from seeing curtis leskanic, dave mccarty and brian daubach (brian daubach??!!) represent the 2004 world champs and BILL BUCKNER getting a standing ovation and crying on the fenway mound that i've decided my only recourse is to provide you, fair reader(s) with a spring-infused set of rules - so here goes...

Rule No. 1 - about 10 days until the nba playoffs and yes, the celtics are still the best team in the league... i've occasionally worried throughout the season that what was going on around the garden was all a dream and that one morning i'd wake up and the celtics would be 24-53 again and any publicly aired scuttlebutt would again revolve around the chances of getting the first pick in the draft, whether or not al jefferson was capable of growing up to be an elite big guy and what the odds were on paul pierce walking into the locker room one night with a 12-gauge shotgun and opening fire... thankfully it's all real and with the first-round matchup with the sub-.500 hawks looming, it's almost time to really begin to assess whether or not this team can do something amazing... i'm still of the mind the toughest task facing them is detroit (cleveland and lebron's bad back are no longer in the conversation), though the pistons are currently operating in neutral, doling out frequent nights off to certain guys and losing at home to the ungodly knicks... i wonder if it's wise to push my luck given all of this sweetness that's been going on since the day of the garnett deal, but i am hoping for a couple of things: 1) that they don't just beat detroit, they punish them - the pistons' cool arrogance, their misguided, collective belief that they can flip the switch whenever, wherever and against whomever they want and succeed really bugs me - luckily this attitude has failed them miserably in the playoffs the past two seasons, 2) that sam cassell does something really important at some point, not to justify his signing (although he has not appeared to fit very well since he arrived) but because he has already authored a few big playoff moments in his career and to see him dial up another while wearing celtic green would be outstanding, and 3) that if they get to the finals, they play the lakers - anyone over the age of 30 who grew up here and says that matchup wouldn't be the epitome of appointment viewing has obviously been smoking crack... oh and also, my new favorite non-big 3 player is leon powe, or, as kg referred to him when he first got here, "security"... not only is leon a classic overachiever but he's always working, making things happen for the team and himself and just basically being the kind of guy you'd hope every bargain, young reserve could be... i'll probably delve more deeply into the celts when the playoffs actually arrive, but it's certainly safe to say today that they're a big-time favorite...

Rule No. 2 - tough to have any real feel for the sox yet, eh? eight games and a 457,000-mile road trip will do that to ya... easy to see thus far that a couple of guys not named papelbon or okajeemer need to step up in the bullpen (not so sure about david aardvark and brian "skeletor" corey, though again, it's just been eight games)... also, dice-k has been truly awesome save for the first two innings in tokyo - if he pitches close to this for the better part of the year, he'll win 18-20 games and earn the right to be known as a co-ace... all he needs to work on right now is that mullet - i felt like it was the 1989 home opener watching him out there today and accordingly, i put on some parachute pants during the third inning... i find it difficult to believe that big papi will hit .103 with an ops under .500 all season or that world series mvp mike lowell will go much longer without a single rbi (though he will not duplicate last year's numbers by a long shot - mark it, dude)... all we really know right now, after eight whole games, is that the orioles and current league mvp front-runners aubrey huff and luke scott will not win the al east, the tigers will win a game sooner or later (and probably still contend for the al central) and that bill buckner is not such a bad guy after all... he probably never was despite his portrayal as the spawn of hell for the past 20+ years for having the temerity to make an error on a grounder when his knees were so shot, he shouldn't have even been on the field... i was pretty fed up with the ceremony (it all seemed slightly clumsy, no?) before buckner's entrance thanks in no part to the presence of daubach, a former replacement player, a self-made first baseman and all-around good guy who had some nice moments for the sox from 2000-2002 but was nowhere near the 2004 series (unless he was in the stands, as st. louis isn't far from his hometown of belleville, il) and hadn't been seen by sox fans since the entire tampa bay team tried to behead him in that beanball game back in 2000 when pedro drilled the leadoff guy (i believe it was gerald "ice" williams, referred to as a "punk" by that master of charisma and personality dan duquette) and then threw a no-hitter for 8.2 innings... don't want to get all over the dauber though - it wasn't his fault that the disciples of dr. charles steinberg in the pr department invited him to the party... no, the buckner thing erased pretty much all of the oddness that happened prior and was really quite touching, especially when he had to wipe away a tear during the ovation he received while standing on the mound... give the sox a lot of credit for that one - now can we please stop with all of these extracurricular things and just play? oh and by the way, sox staff - please don't ever show tom werner and wally dancing together ever again ever, please? if neil diamond really is coming here to sing "sweet caroline" this summer, werner and wally shaking it needs to be banned, along with that sparkly, sequined sox jacket neil was wearing - i beg all of these things of you, please...

Rule No. 3 - if anyone hanging around a major league ballpark needs steroids these days it's steven tyler... seriously, when did he have a sex change operation? i know aerosmith hasn't done anything good in at least 20 years but really, man...

Rule No. 4 - the nhl playoffs start tomorrow and the bruins are in - i know this only because of kevin dupont's full-page preview in the paper... apparently the b's are playing arch nemesis montreal which has only beaten them all eight times the teams met this season and something like 11 or 12 straight since last year... i also heard that the night after the bruins clinched, all they had to do to avoid the eighth seed and a first-round series against the canadiens was win their final regular season game against the golf course bound sabres... like all bruins teams we know and love, they instead chose to play the "happy to be here" card and subsequently rolled over and got shut out, assuring them a meeting with likely the only team in the east that they can't beat... i sure will be glad when there's more space for baseball, basketball and pretty much anything other than bruins news in the paper in about a week or so... at least the powers that be are guaranteed two more nights of beer and hot dog sales...

Rule No. 5 - it's masters time which doesn't just mean another season of losing major tournament bets is upon me, it means that watching golf on tv is about to become appointment-worthy for the weekend... i'm fascinated to to see tiger play, as always, especially because of all the grand slam talk swirling about... every year during masters week, the topic of tiger and his capability of winning all four majors comes up - only this year given that he's been playing better than at any time in his career other than in the summer of 2000... look, i'm not going to pick against the guy - in fact, he's probably going to win for a variety of reasons, not the least of which is that all the other players are so scared of him - but as great as he is, can anyone really be expected to win every major in one year? even the greatest player of all time? so much goes into every one of them, from the course to the conditions - the biggest reason tiger lost to zach johnson (??!!) last year... if he does it, i won't be surprised, not in the slightest... but i think i need to see it to believe it's actually possible...

Rule No. 6 - it's supposed to be 70 degrees tomorrow so i'm going to have my own little masters and hit up fresh pond for the second consecutive day... like what would happen if i played in any real tournament let alone the masters, the string will stop at two consecutive days since i could never make the cut, even if i was wearing mitt romney's magic underpants... but really, who cares? it's golf, man, for the second straight day in early APRIL... and that's a beautiful, beautiful thing...