i was first team all-state... i can put the ball anywhere i want to - i'll make it rain out here

so after all of my meticulous research i've determined the following: it's too soon to know a goddamn thing except that a majority of teams in the nfl absolutely stink... what do we really know after two weeks? the cardinals, texans, ravens, niners and vikings are bottom of the barrel... but lots of other teams are threatening to join them...

take the broncos and the chargers... their game last week was like a race between the two coaches, marty schottenheimer and mike shanahan, to see who could throttle himself fastest... sadly, it took until the final 10 seconds for a winner to emerge but, like the old, reliable choker that he is, marty squeezed hardest...

then there's the seattle seahawks, who, in their home opener, raced out to a 21-0 lead, got outscored 18-0 in the second half and had to rely on a late michael vick hamstring pull (get used to seeing phrases like that all year, dear friends) then celebrated like they'd just toughed out the nfc title game...

the cowboys, who could have and should have beaten sorry, no-account washington with their eyes closed, let the skins beat them deep twice in the last four minutes, inexplicably tried to throw the ball in the waning minutes instead of running out the clock and subsequently had to rely on drew the statue to lead a last second comeback... even worse, when the redskins finally won, a bunch of players doused over-the-hill/used-to-be-genius coach joe gibbs with gatorade and gibbs, who only has three super bowl rings, jumped up and down with his boys like he'd just won american idol... sad, sad, sad...

shit, even the pats were horrible - it was painful to watch dillon dancing behind the line of scrimmage and brady get eaten alive by the panthers blitz... but so what... the truth is, we won't really know anything - except that a) it's going to start getting cold soon, b) the red sox are in big trouble, c) anyone who rushed to sign drew the statue to their fantasy team after the first couple weeks WILL regret it and d) the blaze thinks that football is a metaphor for latent homosexuality - until at least week 5 or 6... i know, i'm not breaking any new ground here in the slightest, but shit, that's all we can really say after 2 damn weeks... will the bengals stay this explosive? doubtful... are the bears really as good as they looked against detroit? hardly... is peyton manning going to look so impotent all year? i hope so, but probably not... does chad pennington really suck this bad... well, um... yeah...

anyway, we'll know more after this weekend (including whether or not i still have a job picking games), but still not enough... so just try to stay patient, y'all... and try not to laugh too hard when the "experts" like merrill hoge, sean salisbury and those two fat guys on espn act like they know more than you... you know what? they don't...

ok, here are the picks for week 3 (home teams in CAPS)... any of you who are actually planning on gambling and even remotely using my "wisdom" as a guide, may god be with you...

pats (+3) over STEELERS
bounce back day for the toughest team in the nfl against a team they know how to beat

RAMS (-6.5) over titans
st. louis is pretty lousy but they always play well at home and the titans don't quite have it yet

EAGLES (-8) over raiders
big spread but eagles are at home and oakland d is putrid

BEARS (+3) over bengals
finally cincy faces a good d and comes back to earth

jaguars (+2.5) over JETS
two qbs, same alma mater, one tough and on the rise, the other with a weaker arm than swifty

saints (+4) over VIKINGS
road dogs win again as sorry vikes move one week closer to fraud coach mike tice getting shitcanned

panthers (-3) over DOLPHINS
miami is on the right track but i saw the panthers last week and they're just too tough

COLTS (-13.5) over browns
forget the huge spread, this is the week the colts finally get right on offense

BILLS (-3) over falcons
michael vick will play which likely means at least 3 turnovers against ferocious bills d

bucs (-3.5) over PACKERS
man is it sad to see brett favre go out like this... coach sherman will be next one gone after tice

cardinals (+6.5) over SEAHAWKS
awful cards won't win but how can anyone like seattle giving that many points against anyone?

cowboys (-6.5) over 49ERS
'boys lucky to have bounce back game against one of the worst teams in the league

CHARGERS (-5.5) over giants
chargers have to win or season's pretty much done - even marty the choker won't screw that up

BRONCOS (-3) over chiefs
kc is for real and i don't like denver at all, but the broncos are a near lock at home on monday night

that's all, folks... until next time... lates...

it's sort of an anti-pep rally... we're trying to show that football is just a cryptofascist metaphor for nuclear war

i just don't get it... i spent over a month not writing here so that i could study football and truly understand the inner nuances and characteristics of this season... i figured hey, i may as well try to learn as much as i possibly can because if the red sox choke (gulp), i'm gonna have to channel my energies onto another avenue...

now, we're well into preperations for week 3 and i'm frickin perplexed... i go from winning my pool and taking 2 out of 3 fantasy matchups (with the third a wicked close loss) in week 1 to more wrong picks than right (and double secret probabtion from the captain) in the pool and two of the worst fantasy teams on record in week 2... ahem, could somebody explain please?

it all starts, naturally, with the pats... they were bound to play shitty sooner or later and in charlotte against a hungry team that can't lose 2 straight at home, they shit the bed... the defense was ok, but brady had one of his poorer games, dillon can't run, the line is a mess, the special teams are atrocious and again, there are about 47 injuries in the secondary... what does it all mean? probably that they'll beat up the overrated steelers on sunday, that's what...

seriously, where's the logic? if you think it's hard to understand how the saints could be playing in new jersey against the giants and have it be called a home game, try figuring out some of these teams, like, say, the giants... they were excruciatingly awful last year - every decision they made after week 8 was wrong, they limped home at 6-10 and brought back pretty much all of the same people... so of course, they're 2-0 (wisely, i've picked against them two straight weeks)... or the vikings?? people who said losing randy moss would help them are clearly on crack - now they look like they'd have a tough time against lynnfield high... and it doesn't help that their coach shouldn't even be coaching those same pioneers let alone an nfl team... my bet is he's shitcanned before halloween...

the redskins (no tds in their first 116 minutes of the year, two in the next 4 and a huge upset win), the bears (rolling 38 points with a fourth-rounder at qb??), the ravens (the same amount of punts, 10, in two games, as points) and the train wreck packers, who will also have a coach out of a job within the next month and have brett favre (who by the way once was great and now is TERRIBLE) looking like he's about 72 years old, are all contributors to the confusion... it's to the point where i'm so flummoxed, i may just have to say fuck it, not watch games on sundays and just like wait tables instead (uh... wait a minute...)

but you know what? it's ok... it's football, baby... there's nothing like it... things rarely go as planned in the nfl (except of course the pats being the best team but that's a whole other column) and all the expert insight, wasted hours watching the nfl network (the best channel on tv during the season, by the way) and late night phone calls to your buddy in chicago trying to convince him to please trade you a wide receiver because you drafted javon walker, won't change it... it really is the one of the best times of the year, even if it means it will be freezing outside in a matter of weeks, whether you can figure the whole thing out or not... but if you can't, like me (at least not yet), trying to understand it just makes it all the more exciting...

thanks for sticking with me during the long hiatus, folks... i'm really going to try to be on here more often... check back soon for what to look for in games this weekend... and with that, i bid you all a fond lates...