well of course i'm half-hebrew, but the children are three-quarters mick catholic

running short on time this week, my pretties, which is sort of a shame given the multitude of noteworthy topics... i could be like all the other blowhards on espn and give my two cents on t.o. but frankly, i'm so sick of the story, i'd rather scoop my eyeballs out with a plastic spork than rehash all the tawdry details... beyond t.o. (yes it's true, there is life beyond t.o.) it's nice to see the celtics playing spirited ball (even though i still think they barely eke out 35 wins) and paul pierce pretending to be positive about his situation... it's nicer still to see the bruins continue to stink and i'm quite curious to see what imbecile the red sox hire to be their next gm... oh yeah and those carolina panthers cheerleaders... i don't think i've ever been more excited to see mugshots in all my years until i actually saw them... man, did you catch the schnozz on the one on the right? if she's the one planning on posing for penthouse, i'm cancelling my subscription...

and oh yeah - the pats... that game made me want to drink... it was a realization game, ya know? the whole heart of a champion thing was just a ruse - the pats are not remotely as good as the colts this year and sadly, even if everyone on defense (except rodney, god bless him) gets healthy and starts playing, it may just be the same case... i've never seen belichick appear so ready to throw in the towel so quickly (the two fourth downs - one in the first quarter??!! - and the onside kick)... seriously, it was like he was capitulating before the game even started... "hey let's go for it on fourth-and-four from our own 42 because if we don't get it and you get the ball right here, it will be just as easy for you to score as if we punt and pin you inside the 10..." never seen anything like it from him... everyone on d either sucked or wasn't getting any help... and then there was poor tedy, who looked like the adrenalin had worn off and he was playing in his first training camp contact scrimmage... if i had a nickel for every time he got wiped out at the line of scrimmage within seconds of the ball being snapped, i'd be rich... just a sad, sad game, folks... sad...

still, the nfl is a league of redemption, ya know? anyone who's ever watched football knows that one week means nothing to the next week... how else could a team like the 49ers lose 52-17 one week, then beat a one-loss, division leader the next? the pats will get back on track against the woeful dolphins this week and truthfully, i think they're only in danger of losing two more games all year (at KC in two weeks and at buffalo on dec. 11)... the playoffs are another story altogether, but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it... right now, i'll only say that even though the colts will lose at least two games before its all said and done, they're probably going to win the super bowl, and seeing peyton manning hold up that trophy while all the media sycophants get on their knees is not a sight i'm not looking forward to in the least... i sincerely hope you aren't either...

on a more pleasant note, we posted our best record of the year last week which could mean that a) i'm finally getting the hang of this point spread thing, b) i got intesely lucky or c) see b... either way, i'm looking to keep it rolling so without further ado (and with my usual reminder not to take one iota of this seriously), here come this week's picks...

new england (-3) over MIAMI
it may be somewhat naive to take the pats giving anything at this point, especially in miami, where brady plays worse than anywhere... but somehow i get the feeling that he and the other veterans who aren't hurt are so pissed at the utter humiliation of monday night that they'll came out and look as good as they have all year... plus, even though the defense stinks, and miami's coach nick saban knows belichick as well as anyone save for parcells, the dolphins' starting qb is still gus frerotte... enough said...

kansas city (+2.5) over BUFFALO
bills may be coming off a bye and at home, but i saw them play two weeks ago and believe me, they can't stop anyone with an even average offense... the chiefs, despite losing priest holmes and having trent green looking more and more like drew bledsoe every week, are better than average, especially after last week's win, one of the ballsiest one's i've seen in a long time, thanks to coach vermeil, who i think only went for it on the last play of the game so he'd have an excuse to cry before the tv cameras no matter what happened... turn the red light on and watch the waterworks begin!

washington (-1.5) over TAMPA BAY
boy are the bucs bummed... three weeks ago they were 5-1 and looking like legit contenders... now, they're staring the wrong legendary qb's son, their prized new back is already damaged goods and they can't stop anyone on defense... the redskins bounced back nicely from the whitewash loss to the giants against the depleted eagles last week and should win this one relatively easily...

san francisco (+13) over CHICAGO
ok, the bears are good, the niners are awful and the game's in chicago... but 13 points?? for the bears??? with their rookie, fifth-rounder at qb and their top back probably out with bad ribs??? not a chance... they win, but not by that much...

NEW YORK GIANTS (-9.5) over minnesota
surprised the vikes could keep it in their pants after last week's big division win... they're still pretty bad, though, and now that the nfl has peyton manning a virtual lock for the super bowl, don't you feel like maybe eli is "destined" to get there too?

arizona (+4) over DETROIT
worst game of the week by about 27 miles... kurt warner may be a shell of himself but the pathetic joey harrington is just a shell, period... think anyone on the lions wants to lay it all out there for such a stiff who seems to have no heart? me neither... take the cards, but hold your nose...

JACKSONVILLE (-6.5) over baltimore
jags still too young to count on as they can't stop playing down to their opponents' level (see last week against houston)... but with or without fred taylor (and that's another without this week), they should still handle the putrid ravens, who welcome back all-world bust kyle boller for yet more proof that coach billick screwed up again...

houston (+18) over INDIANAPOLIS
i've never seen a spead this big in a pro game and even though the colts are quite capable of beating it, i just can't see it... how do they get up for this game against such a bad team after what they did last week? answer is, they don't.... indy is way to good to actually lose - they could beat the texans blindfolded - but houston should have a little spirit (maybe) and cover...

carolina (-9) over NEW YORK JETS
who is it this week, herm? brooks bollinger? vinny t.? your cousin steve? it doesn't matter who plays qb for the jets, they stink and the panthers are probably going to the super bowl (unless the league sabotages them in order to get an all-manning matchup)... i'm just wondering when people are going to start calling for herm's job, as he is easily in the top 5 of biggest fraud coaches in the nfl...

denver (-3) over OAKLAND
if i hear one more "expert" talk about how jake plummer is mvp material because he hasn't thrown too many picks this year, i will vomit... the guy gets 200 yards rushing from his backs every week and the defense is actually pretty good for a change... and for that, he's an mvp candidate??? hello, he sucks!! regardless, the broncos will win this game easily as the raiders, who looked like they may be turning a corner until they gave up that unbeliveable last minute drive to lose to the chiefs last week, are done with a capital D-O-N-E...

st. louis (+7) over SEATTLE
rams are getting all their injured guys back for this one, are playing well under their anonymous interim coach, are coming off a bye, and have owned seattle in the past... that'll be just enough for them to cover... seahawks finally look like they get it and shaun alexander is a monster...

ATLANTA (-9.5) over green bay
i feel worse and worse for brett favre every week, especially now that he's got a running back named samkong gato or something... seeing him lose to charlie batch - who hasn't played in four years - last week must have been pretty painful for him... now this week, he'll have to watch his pack get bombed by the falcons and thier ultimate fraud qb michael vick, who said he's always been a great passer after the first decent game he's played all season last week... i'll give the guy some credit cause his teams win, but i still think they'll never WIN until he consistently learns to throw... this week, against poor favre and the pathetic pack, it won't matter...

CLEVELAND (+8) over pittsburgh
browns won't win, trust me... but they're a bit better than they've been, they're at home and the steelers are still starting charlie batch... closer than you might think, but really, who cares about this game other than people in both cities and joe theismann, who is currently preparing to put you all to sleep with tales of how the steelers are the greatest team since whoever he covered last week...

dallas (+3) over PHILADELPHIA
monday night, in philly... mismatch? yeah, maybe for the cowboys... look, the eagles did the right thing getting rid of looney toons t.o., and it is brave (yet predictable) to hear donovan mcnabb talk about how the team will be able to come together and rise above this mess... but i don't buy it... philly still can't/won't run and are down their biggest weapon in the passing game to boot... plus, the d - usually so tough - suddenly kind of stinks... parcells and the boys smell blood... sayonara, eagles...

last week: 9-4-1
season: 36-45-3

you see, bob, it's not that i'm lazy, it's that i just don't care

that's right, people... we don't care... fuck the nba and theo-gate and the herald vs. the globe and and high school football players appealing league mandated suspensions for dirty play in district court and all of that shit... we don't give a rat's ass... why? because it's goddamn football season, that's why... and if we needed any more proof that this is where our focus should solely lie, we give you two - 1) taking in a big, nationally televised sunday night game against buffalo at gillette last weekend, and 2) the game of the year (at least until january) coming up monday night, against the ultimate fakers, the colts...

first, let's harken back to a week ago sunday... it was a gorgeous day and a surprisingly mild night (although you wouldn't have known it from looking at the captain, who seemed to think she was on an expedition seeking the abominable snowman in antarctica rather than at a football game - although to her credit, when i got slightly chilly, she loaned me her, gulp, pink scarf)... a sore throat all weekend did not deter me and in the company of the dogg and his lovely bride, the four of us drove down to foxboro, ate some great food, drank some hearty beers and made our way into the stadium, where we would hunker down and watch what quickly became one of the worst football games i've ever seen...

by halfway through the second quarter, with the pats unable to get out of their own way on either side of the ball, being gashed by a backup quarterback named kelly (first name, not last) and generally looking closer to the lynnfield high pioneers than the two-time defending super bowl champions, i actually cheered when the home team did something as mundane as stopping the bills on third down... i screamed without thinking, "ok somebody please do something!!" which drew a laugh from some folks in my section but was not intended as a joke at all - rather it was an impassioned plea for my boys to simply exert their will for i don't know, five minutes, and send these imposters from upstate new york back to niagara falls...

it wasn't happening right away... the pats even fucked up a clock situation at the end of the half, forcing adam into a much tougher kick than he should have had to make, and he missed, leaving buffalo up 3-0 at the break... the captain and i had some nasty french fries at halftime and were barely back in our seats when brady led a sterling, pats-esque drive to finally get his boys on the board... sadly, it was short-lived, as it took the bills about 6.3 seconds to unmask duane starks as the fraud he is for the umpteenth time this year and get back on top... but then something completely noteworthy happened...

naturally, it was tedy bruschi... the ovation when he took the field for the first time since his stroke was deafening (even though the captain and i were still on the 3-mile walk to our seats up top) and i figured, oh that's nice, he'll play 20-30 snaps and take a hot shower and thank god he didn't keel over on the field... but it was so much more than that... he played over 90 percent of the defensive snaps... he made at least 10 tackles... he was everywhere, causing havoc and providing the only semblence of normalcy on the porous new england d... it's not like this wasn't happening in the first half - it was... but when the bills went up 16-7 and it was the fourth quarter and the collective consciousness inside gillette was throwing up in its mouth, bruschi's spirit seemed to almost take over... the pats went on a drive, got a big break on a great catch by branch and pulled to within two on a dillon td plunge... then, just two plays into buffalo's next drive, bruschi caught someone on the left side of the bills line looking where he shouldn't have been, which allowed colvin to dart in, sack the qb, cause a fumble and recover it all in one fell swoop, deep in buffalo territory... three plays later, everyone was screaming and jumping, the captain could suddenly move in her 64 layers, a blinding light flashed from the sky and the pats led 21-16, ultimately the final score...

things were slightly touch and go the rest of the way... the pats had to come up with a couple more stops on d which is always a challenge this year, but with bruschi out there, they did it... there are other guys who haven't missed time playing for the pats this year who have just as many rings as bruschi... but how many of them represent what a champion is any better? brady? anyone else? nope... it's like despite the multitude of problems, the ones all the analysts who hate the pats keep bringing up as they laugh about how the colts will finally break the spell on monday, having bruschi back out there signaled something... you could feel it coursing through the stadium... that life, that swagger, that certain 'i don't know what,' was back... and that's why peyton manning will fall to 0-8 in foxboro on monday... count on it...

ok, on to the picks, which i should remind everyone are for recreational purposes only and if you use them for any reason otherwise, god help you... and also, hi, mom... sorry i cursed a little more in this column - i was slightly fired up, i guess... so here goes...

NEW ENGLAND (+3) over indianapolis
i say that manning is throwing his hands in the air looking like someone just took his pail and shovel away sometime in the middle of the second quarter... close game, pats win in the end and if you don't believe it, see above...

MINNESOTA (even) over detroit
the fun of this dogfest is guessing which team's coach gets fired first... it'll be tight, but the vikings take that one too... man does this game suck...

san diego (-6.5) over NEW YORK JETS
jets still using someone's great uncle at qb, plus chargers have revenge factor for playoff game coach gave away last year... this one could be a blowout...

tennessee (+3) over CLEVELAND
this is an 'i just don't care' game not just because both teams are terrible but because you can't count on either to do what you want... having said that, i'll hold the brownies dropping one to houston last week more deserving of being picked against and take mcnair, all of his rookie wideouts and the titans...

KANSAS CITY (-4.5) over oakland
man did i miss the boat on the raiders last week... i called them an embarrassment so naturally they go out and paste 35 points on tennessee and win going away... maybe they aren't so bad... therefore, the reasonable conclusion is that they will lose this game by at least two touchdowns...

chicago (-3) over NEW ORLEANS/BATON ROUGE
i'm never, ever, ever picking the saints again... plus the bears are in first place... who knew?

cincinnati (-3) over BALTIMORE
give the ravens credit - they probably should have beaten pittsburgh and ben roethlisberger, aka THE MOST INDISPENSIBLE QB IN ALL OF FOOTBALL last week... they played way over their heads in a national game, though, and they're on a short week with their two best defensive players still out, their coach about to be shitcanned and their star running back still stewing... bengals are too good to overcome all that...

carolina (-1.5) over TAMPA BAY
i really wanted to like the bucs this year, even after their qb was lost for the year... but they got rolled by the niners last week... coming off a bye... the niners, dude!!?? panthers take control of the nfc south in this one...

houston (+13.5) over JACKSONVILLE
jags killed me last week in choke-esque loss to the severely undermanned rams, which is one reason why i can't possibly see them covering such a big spread even at home and even against the awful, happy-to-be-here texans... they'll still win fairly easily, though, as houston will suffer the letdown of all letdowns due to actually winning a game last week...

atlanta (-2.5) over MIAMI
don't get on the dolphins bandwagon yet, folks... they may have won big on the road last week, but gus frerotte is still the qb and my drunk regulars could get together and beat the saints at a moment's notice... plus, in case you haven't heard, michael vick is the GREATEST PLAYER IN THE HISTORY OF SPORTS... take the falcons...

new york giants (-11) over SAN FRANCISCO
giants are rolling - the whiteout of the redskins was the most impressive win by anyone all year... the niners are a fly on the windshield of the new york express (and god does it kill to say that about a team i despise so royally)... big win for the g-men...

seattle (-4) over ARIZONA
first kurt warner, then josh mccown, then kurt warner at qb for the cardinals... that coach dennis green is so sneaky isn't he? green aims at president of the fraud coach club yet again in this one - hey denny, i'll play qb and get my ass kicked for a fraction of the millions you're shelling out for these stiffs, honest!... i can't believe the spread's only four in this game - seahawks could win by 30...

pittsburgh (-3.5) over GREEN BAY
steelers would probably be a bad pick against anyone else given charlie batch is starting at qb and he hasn't played in four years... but these are the packers and the combination of brett favre's fake spike/10-yard run/underhand toss last week and coach mike sherman walking out of his press conference and cancelling favre's because some poor schmuck's cellphone rang says all there is to know about the sad state of green bay...

WASHINGTON (-3) over philadelphia
things just got worse for the eagles, who finally suspended loud-mouth T.O. indefinitely today... don't be surprised if philly doesn't win 2 more games all year the way things are going right now... skins bounce back from humiliation last week and take crucial division game...

last week: 5-9
season: 27-41-2

starwarstrashcompactorphobia setting in

this was supposed to be different... i was all set to write this glowing piece about my sterling experience at gillette on sunday night, complete with kudos to the amazing tedy bruschi, tid-bits about the game and the tailgate and enough good-humored jabs at the captain and her 'nanook of the north' get-up worn in relatively mild temperatures, to make even the biggest hater crack a slight grin... but now i'm distracted, like everyone else around these parts is, by theo-gate...

there's no need to rehash the whole bloody saga and all the unseemly details... let me say then that the situation just sucks and the truth is, no matter what you hear on the radio or read in the paper from any of the so-called experts, no one really knows why it happened... i don't even think theo knows for sure, which was made painfully clear at his press conference earlier today, where he and john henry said more without saying anything than anyone i've ever heard around here this side of bill belichick...

this much we know: theo should have been signed up for at least 4-6 years immediately after the team he assembled won boston its first championship in 86 years last october... that the bosses, e.g. larry lucchino, tom werner and henry chose to wait it out of course proved to be a deadly decision - one they will regret, i think, for as long as they are involved in the day-to-day operations of this baseball team... thank god henry, in about the only bit of the press conference that made any sense, admitted that he "blew it"...

but what about theo? does he realize what he's actually doing? i'm not trying to suggest that he thinks he's bigger than the team and that this will come back to bite him in the ass someday, although it certainly might... what i mean is, how could he wait until the last possible second to make such a decision? he claims that his "affection for the red sox does not end (today)," and said that "he will remain on the job for several days... to ensure a smooth and stable transition"... hey, thanks, man... surely, the fan base that is paying the highest average ticket price in baseball will look on those words fondly while ownership scurries around with egg on its collective face trying to find someone willing to be the yes-man theo wasn't going to be and the team sits in a state of complete flux while its free agents (damon) get offers from elsewhere and its stars who want to be traded (manny, wells) chalk up another reason to get the shit out of this black cauldron...

man, the euphoria from last fall feels like it happened before the dinosaurs... look, the bottom line, i think anyway, is that both sides shit the bed here: the sox by waiting, low-balling and leaking what should have been iron-clad, entrusted information to the press, and theo himself, through his timing and by being so vague in his rationale (not that it's his responsibility to tell us anything) as to seem simply impetuous... anyone who wants to blame shaughnessy for his silly column on sunday - a piece that couldn't have come at a worse time but a) had to be written because of the source material it included, and b) was simply a case of the the writer being the messenger and was hardly the reason for theo's decision - can do so, but that's the short-sighted, quick-trigger reaction... at the end of the day, the fault lies at the feet of all the principals involved... take sides if you wish, but don't forget that either one could have stopped this nonsense dead in its tracks well before the breaking point was reached...

ok, i'm going to breathe deeply, promise myself i will keep my theo-gate reading and listening to a minimum from this point forward and begin to prepare for friday's picks column, which will include all that this one does not... until then, lates...