you see, bob, it's not that i'm lazy, it's that i just don't care

that's right, people... we don't care... fuck the nba and theo-gate and the herald vs. the globe and and high school football players appealing league mandated suspensions for dirty play in district court and all of that shit... we don't give a rat's ass... why? because it's goddamn football season, that's why... and if we needed any more proof that this is where our focus should solely lie, we give you two - 1) taking in a big, nationally televised sunday night game against buffalo at gillette last weekend, and 2) the game of the year (at least until january) coming up monday night, against the ultimate fakers, the colts...

first, let's harken back to a week ago sunday... it was a gorgeous day and a surprisingly mild night (although you wouldn't have known it from looking at the captain, who seemed to think she was on an expedition seeking the abominable snowman in antarctica rather than at a football game - although to her credit, when i got slightly chilly, she loaned me her, gulp, pink scarf)... a sore throat all weekend did not deter me and in the company of the dogg and his lovely bride, the four of us drove down to foxboro, ate some great food, drank some hearty beers and made our way into the stadium, where we would hunker down and watch what quickly became one of the worst football games i've ever seen...

by halfway through the second quarter, with the pats unable to get out of their own way on either side of the ball, being gashed by a backup quarterback named kelly (first name, not last) and generally looking closer to the lynnfield high pioneers than the two-time defending super bowl champions, i actually cheered when the home team did something as mundane as stopping the bills on third down... i screamed without thinking, "ok somebody please do something!!" which drew a laugh from some folks in my section but was not intended as a joke at all - rather it was an impassioned plea for my boys to simply exert their will for i don't know, five minutes, and send these imposters from upstate new york back to niagara falls...

it wasn't happening right away... the pats even fucked up a clock situation at the end of the half, forcing adam into a much tougher kick than he should have had to make, and he missed, leaving buffalo up 3-0 at the break... the captain and i had some nasty french fries at halftime and were barely back in our seats when brady led a sterling, pats-esque drive to finally get his boys on the board... sadly, it was short-lived, as it took the bills about 6.3 seconds to unmask duane starks as the fraud he is for the umpteenth time this year and get back on top... but then something completely noteworthy happened...

naturally, it was tedy bruschi... the ovation when he took the field for the first time since his stroke was deafening (even though the captain and i were still on the 3-mile walk to our seats up top) and i figured, oh that's nice, he'll play 20-30 snaps and take a hot shower and thank god he didn't keel over on the field... but it was so much more than that... he played over 90 percent of the defensive snaps... he made at least 10 tackles... he was everywhere, causing havoc and providing the only semblence of normalcy on the porous new england d... it's not like this wasn't happening in the first half - it was... but when the bills went up 16-7 and it was the fourth quarter and the collective consciousness inside gillette was throwing up in its mouth, bruschi's spirit seemed to almost take over... the pats went on a drive, got a big break on a great catch by branch and pulled to within two on a dillon td plunge... then, just two plays into buffalo's next drive, bruschi caught someone on the left side of the bills line looking where he shouldn't have been, which allowed colvin to dart in, sack the qb, cause a fumble and recover it all in one fell swoop, deep in buffalo territory... three plays later, everyone was screaming and jumping, the captain could suddenly move in her 64 layers, a blinding light flashed from the sky and the pats led 21-16, ultimately the final score...

things were slightly touch and go the rest of the way... the pats had to come up with a couple more stops on d which is always a challenge this year, but with bruschi out there, they did it... there are other guys who haven't missed time playing for the pats this year who have just as many rings as bruschi... but how many of them represent what a champion is any better? brady? anyone else? nope... it's like despite the multitude of problems, the ones all the analysts who hate the pats keep bringing up as they laugh about how the colts will finally break the spell on monday, having bruschi back out there signaled something... you could feel it coursing through the stadium... that life, that swagger, that certain 'i don't know what,' was back... and that's why peyton manning will fall to 0-8 in foxboro on monday... count on it...

ok, on to the picks, which i should remind everyone are for recreational purposes only and if you use them for any reason otherwise, god help you... and also, hi, mom... sorry i cursed a little more in this column - i was slightly fired up, i guess... so here goes...

NEW ENGLAND (+3) over indianapolis
i say that manning is throwing his hands in the air looking like someone just took his pail and shovel away sometime in the middle of the second quarter... close game, pats win in the end and if you don't believe it, see above...

MINNESOTA (even) over detroit
the fun of this dogfest is guessing which team's coach gets fired first... it'll be tight, but the vikings take that one too... man does this game suck...

san diego (-6.5) over NEW YORK JETS
jets still using someone's great uncle at qb, plus chargers have revenge factor for playoff game coach gave away last year... this one could be a blowout...

tennessee (+3) over CLEVELAND
this is an 'i just don't care' game not just because both teams are terrible but because you can't count on either to do what you want... having said that, i'll hold the brownies dropping one to houston last week more deserving of being picked against and take mcnair, all of his rookie wideouts and the titans...

KANSAS CITY (-4.5) over oakland
man did i miss the boat on the raiders last week... i called them an embarrassment so naturally they go out and paste 35 points on tennessee and win going away... maybe they aren't so bad... therefore, the reasonable conclusion is that they will lose this game by at least two touchdowns...

chicago (-3) over NEW ORLEANS/BATON ROUGE
i'm never, ever, ever picking the saints again... plus the bears are in first place... who knew?

cincinnati (-3) over BALTIMORE
give the ravens credit - they probably should have beaten pittsburgh and ben roethlisberger, aka THE MOST INDISPENSIBLE QB IN ALL OF FOOTBALL last week... they played way over their heads in a national game, though, and they're on a short week with their two best defensive players still out, their coach about to be shitcanned and their star running back still stewing... bengals are too good to overcome all that...

carolina (-1.5) over TAMPA BAY
i really wanted to like the bucs this year, even after their qb was lost for the year... but they got rolled by the niners last week... coming off a bye... the niners, dude!!?? panthers take control of the nfc south in this one...

houston (+13.5) over JACKSONVILLE
jags killed me last week in choke-esque loss to the severely undermanned rams, which is one reason why i can't possibly see them covering such a big spread even at home and even against the awful, happy-to-be-here texans... they'll still win fairly easily, though, as houston will suffer the letdown of all letdowns due to actually winning a game last week...

atlanta (-2.5) over MIAMI
don't get on the dolphins bandwagon yet, folks... they may have won big on the road last week, but gus frerotte is still the qb and my drunk regulars could get together and beat the saints at a moment's notice... plus, in case you haven't heard, michael vick is the GREATEST PLAYER IN THE HISTORY OF SPORTS... take the falcons...

new york giants (-11) over SAN FRANCISCO
giants are rolling - the whiteout of the redskins was the most impressive win by anyone all year... the niners are a fly on the windshield of the new york express (and god does it kill to say that about a team i despise so royally)... big win for the g-men...

seattle (-4) over ARIZONA
first kurt warner, then josh mccown, then kurt warner at qb for the cardinals... that coach dennis green is so sneaky isn't he? green aims at president of the fraud coach club yet again in this one - hey denny, i'll play qb and get my ass kicked for a fraction of the millions you're shelling out for these stiffs, honest!... i can't believe the spread's only four in this game - seahawks could win by 30...

pittsburgh (-3.5) over GREEN BAY
steelers would probably be a bad pick against anyone else given charlie batch is starting at qb and he hasn't played in four years... but these are the packers and the combination of brett favre's fake spike/10-yard run/underhand toss last week and coach mike sherman walking out of his press conference and cancelling favre's because some poor schmuck's cellphone rang says all there is to know about the sad state of green bay...

WASHINGTON (-3) over philadelphia
things just got worse for the eagles, who finally suspended loud-mouth T.O. indefinitely today... don't be surprised if philly doesn't win 2 more games all year the way things are going right now... skins bounce back from humiliation last week and take crucial division game...

last week: 5-9
season: 27-41-2