"there was jock itch on my finger"

frustration is the name of the game... on one end of the spectrum, it was sunday, corey dillon was in uniform and it was announced he would start against denver... then, he stood on the sidelines, watched patrick pass and amos zeruoue take all the snaps and stood silently as my espn team was crushed due to his absence (actually, my team in that league is so bad, i would have been crushed anyway)...

on the other end of the spectrum, the captain and i went 12 for 14 last week, our best weekend of the year - even better than week 1 when we were winners (and thank god, that pool is just straight-up picking or else i would have been out of a job weeks ago) ... all that kept us from ultimate paydirt was shitty tommy maddox throwing the ball to the other team in OT for the steelers and control-freak, ego-maniac tom coughlin putting a rookie in at the goal line against dallas instead of his all-pro starter, followed by the inevitable fumble... the result? a perfect week by some other dude who probably picked his winners based on which cities he's vacationed in and an excruciating loss... seriously, 12 out of 14 is more than solid, it's prescient... and then to lose to someone who had a perfect day? bullshit...

of course, i may just be complaining about all this in order to keep myself from bitching about what's really on my mind, e.g. the pats being so un-pat like (some of the shit a couple players have said this week may get them cattle-prodded by the coach - thank god for the bye week), roger clemens getting to go for another world series (by the way, it says here the pick is white sox in six - how the hell is houston going to score enough runs to win???), the hubub about the nba dress code (paul pierce's claim that he's an entertainer and therefore should be able to do, say and wear what he wants as if he was axl rose, liberace or madonna takes the cake - just shut up and wear a frickin suit, man!!) the continued fallout from the vikings' love boat cruise (i'm telling you, they could care less that they stink because they can still fly strippers and hookers in from other cities whenever they want - good times!) the fact that the bruins suck despite claiming to be the masterminds behind the new salary structure (which, naturally, still hasn't kept them from being total skinflints)... that new movie with robert downey, jr. and val kilmer that came out today... gotta see it - downey rules, of course, and i read something today that said kilmer is as good in it as anything since (drumroll) 'real genius'!!??!! awesome, dude... oh yeah, and the title of this column, not just a crass remark, but an actual quote from an aquaintance of mine describing bar rot... priceless... and one more thing: welcome back, tedy...

but i digress... we're all here for picking purposes (well, at least i am)... i actually had a winning record last week (thanks to a tie vs. the spread) and i expect to improve on that this week... still, i again wouldn't recommend taking one iota of this seriously... so, with that in mind...

new orleans (+3) over ST. LOUIS
god, what a stinker of a game... either team could win something like 45-42 or 10-9, but the rams will probably squeak it out even though their qb is out and their interim coach looks like a '70s porn star... the saints always find ways to lose close games they should win, just like this one...

GREEN BAY (-2) over minnesota
if the vikings don't fire mike tice after this one, i will be permanently convinced that the new owner was on the sex boat and tice has photographic evidence... packers, who will be 2-4 after the game, are the favorites to win the pathetic nfc north, i say...

indianapolis (-16) over HOUSTON
of course i was wrong about the colts being two touchdown faves last week (even after they fell behind 17-0 - it was the rams for christ's sake!) so i'll go against one of my personal rules which is to never take a team giving more than 10.5, and say indy beats the worst team in the league by at least four scores... and if houston coach dom capers doesn't get fired after this one, my guess is that the texans' owner was on the sex boat in minnesota too...

pittsburgh (+1) over CINCINNATI
bengals are for real, but can they beat a tough division rival that needs the game quite yet? i say no, though it will be close... and even though i hate the steelers, thank god for their fans that tommy maddox will never play another game for them... i'm sure i'm not the only one he cost last week...

san diego (+4) over PHILADELPHIA
the eagles win close because their home, they had a bye, the chargers are flying cross-country and drew brees isn't the same guy on the road... but this one could further expose philly as for unreal this season... sooner or later, mcnabb is going to fall apart with the amount of injuries he has and the fact that knowing this, they still have him throw 100 times a game and don't even try to run is beyond me...

MIAMI (-1.5) over kansas city
playing tonight due to hurricane wilma... dolphins are decent at home and kc defense stinks... plus, short week favors miami cause they didn't have to travel... keep your fingers crossed for florida, especially the southwest coast...

CLEVELAND (-3) over detroit
man, is it tough to pick cleveland giving points over anyone... but they're home and detroit, despite being in first in the pathetic nfc north, are a sad, sad team... no qb, wideouts all hurt or suspended for getting high, runner doing absolutely nothing and defensive guys about ready to mutiny against strangely, suddenly incompetent-seeming coach... just doesn't make sense, but it is what it is... cleveland isn't that good, but the dysfunctional lions make them look positively pats-like...

san francisco (+12.5) over WASHINGTON
niners show some life, only lose by 10 or so... i don't care about this game at all, so i'll ask this: remember in 'high fidelity' when john cusack says to the little guy, "i will now sell five copies of 'the three EPs' by the beta band," and the little guy says, "do it," and cusack turns up the volume on 'dry the rain' and everyone starts kind of dancing and talking about it and he just grins? such a great scene...

SEATTLE (-3) over dallas
well, the cowboys are due for a comedown and on the road against the tough (strange to use that adjective about seattle) seahawks, it will happen... by the way, hear about the seattle corner who got his skull fractured in a bar fight last weekend and then the coach subsequently banning any player, coach or staff member from hanging out in the most historic area of the city as a consequence? what would mike tice have done?

buffalo (+3) over OAKLAND
bills and their journeyman qb (and my starter in 2 leagues this week) further get into an afc east dogfight by humiliating the ghastly raiders in oak-town... let's add norv turner's name to the endangered coach list, shall we? man has he gotten nothing out of the talent on this team... although, having to depend on fat, out-of-shape, over-the-hill warren sapp on defense hurts...

baltimore (+1) over CHICAGO
let's see, both teams have stout defenses and horrible offenses... truth is, the bears have a better shot here, but the ravens need it more since the bears can go 6-10 and win the (everybody!!) pathetic nfc north...

tennessee (+3.5) over ARIZONA
can anyone take arizona ever, especially giving points? the cards' supremely arrogant, ridiculous, overrated coach dennis green taking himself and his lousy team WAY too seriously by not announcing his starting qb till gametime makes them even more laughable... watch the titans - they're getting better and their coach, jeff fisher, is a good one...

NEW YORK GIANTS (-2) over denver
the giants absolutely killed me last week with eli manning looking like he just wet his pants on the 50-yard-line in dallas and coach coughlin outsmarting himself... well this week, they're back at home against denver, who starts 5-1 every year then falls off the map... this year's fall starts this week and if you don't believe it, look at how close the broncos came to blowing that 25 point lead against the pats in the fourth quarter last week...

ATLANTA (-7) over new york jets
even though curtis martin will probably run for 300 yards on the lousy falcons defense, the fact is the jets qb is still 65 years old and that just won't cut it...

last week: 7-6-1
season: 18-23-1