rules of the week - 6/22/07

with all due respect to bill maher, a person far more entertaining than myself whose "new rules" segment on his friday night hbo show is an absolute riot, i think i'm going to make this a regular feature of this new and improved blog thingy... we'll make it a weekly thing, i'm thinking right now, and if there are any suggestions, feel free to chime in... user-friendly shit is what you get here at RLTB, folks... so without further ado, and because it's friday night and i want to go out, here are the rules of the week...

Rule No. 1 - anyone who is feeling pangs of stress concerning the red sox should probably stop, take a deep knee bend and breathe... it's slightly alarming that a different guy seemingly comes up with a new injury by the day (lowell, drew, schilling, etc.), but if any team is equipped to handle some temporary losses in personnel, it's boston... there's a whole lot of depth on this team, both on the bench and in the minor leagues, plus it helps that there is that double-digit lead in the standings over the suddenly flailing again yankees... it's late june now and the dog days of july and august are approaching... if ever there is a time when a team can be careful with its guys (especially 40-year-old pitchers, gray-haired third basemen and injury-prone rightfielders) it's now... there's no need to rush anyone at the moment and worrying is not only bad idea jeans, it's the opposite reaction that the average fan should have... on the contrary - you should be psyched that this extra rest for some of these guys, particularly the older ones, can only help how sharp they are come playoff time... don't hate, be happy...

Rule No. 2 - thank god kevin garnett said he didn't want to play for the celtics and ixnayed the idea of being traded here from the equally woeful minnesota timberwolves... for starters, this would have been dumb for boston because for at least the fifth time since 2003 when danny ainge took the GM job, it would have been a change of course in the team's longterm strategy... when a team changes course once in five years, it's understandable, twice, it's explainable, five times, it's irretrievable evidence that the folks making the decisions are morons... and secondly, garnett, who used to be my favorite player in the league and is still somewhat of a binky, is past his prime, has never won anything, would have cost two potentially all-star caliber players as well as a high lottery pick and an expiring contract that would be more useful if moved later, makes $25 million a year, and was no guarantee to stay longer than through next season... other than that, it was a great idea... furthermore, who's to say the celts would have been all that much better with him? yes, they'd have two all-stars in garnett and paul pierce, and yes, they'd likely make the playoffs in the putrid eastern conference, but so what? making the playoffs is nice, but what's the goal here? to build a winning, sustainable nucleus that can grow up together and compete for titles for years, or to lose in the first or second round for a couple years before garnett leaves, pierce is over the hill and it's time to start rebuilding all over again? i'll take option A... stay the course for once, danny - don't keep changing your mind...

Rule No. 3 - hockey sucks, at least in boston... the bruins, who have been at best irrelevant and at worst an embarrassment for several years now, just hired their third coach in barely a year, and naturally, all signs point to him being a stiff... the guy has been fired by two other teams in the last four years, including last season by new jersey with just three games left in the regular season despite the fact that the devils were already in the playoffs and would have home-ice in the first round... seems a little fishy, doesn't it? anyway, i'm not going to rehash the litany of idiotic things the bruins have done over the last, oh 15 or so years, mainly because i don't care and neither should you... i'm just here to point out yet again that this once proud, winning and extremely popular team continues to operate in the dark ages, continually screwing up, failing to be competitive yet raising ticket, beer and hot dog prices like it's their job (oh wait - it is)... it's a shame because hockey can be really awesome, especially live and in person... but i wouldn't go to the fleetcenter to watch the bruins if you paid for it and got me drunk, and that's saying something... boycott the bruins - it's for your own good...

Rule No. 4 - the best movie i've seen so far this summer is "knocked up" and it's kind of not even close... the same guy - judd apatow - who created the tv shows "freaks and geeks" and "undeclared," produced "anchorman" and made "the 40-year-old virgin" made it and it's a logical extension of the former... like "the 40-year-old virgin," there is some treacly, sentimental stuff down the stretch but the rest of it is so funny that the lame stuff is almost entirely forgiven... if you watched either of those tv shows, you'll recognize some of the casts of both, you get to gaze upon both katherine heigl and leslie mann in all of their gloriousness for two hours and, you get another perfect role for the wildcard - mr. paul rudd... hey, how could you doubt him after lines like, "you look man-tastic," "i've jacked it three times since i've been here," and "you know how i know you're gay? you macrameed yourself a pair of jean shorts," in "the 40-year-old virgin?" there's more where that all came from in "knocked up"... do yourself a favor and see it...

Rule No. 5 - golf is good... and bearing that in mind, i sucked it up, dragged my ass up to woburn and got myself a new set of irons, the cleveland launchers... they are heaven... they are bliss... they will likely help me get my average score down to the low triple digits (hey, small victories)... i love them... so i guess that the only rule i can impart here is rather obvious and that's to hit 'em straight...

that's all for now, folks... enjoy the weekend, go sox, and be good... more to come starting next week...