look i gotta pee but i'd really like to continue talking about this conversation...

on friday night, after billy mueller watched the final strike sail past him, me and the blaze hightailed it for the exits, not wanting to be subjected to watching the yanks celebrate, especially considering the magnitude (at the time) of the loss for the sox... and even though it was may 27, the most fabulous day there is, all i wanted to do was log on here and vent about what i'd just witnessed...

but then a calm came over me... "there's two more games in this series," i told myself... "let's wait and see what happens next..." this, and the fact that i was on the 4 train followed by a crosstown bus on my way to a bar with three beerpong tables convinced me that waiting was the best policy... and you know what? it was the best decision i could have made...

look, that loss on friday was horrible - one of the worst of the year... 5 straight hits in an inning and only one run scored? one of the most egregious basecoaching errors i've ever seen? the immortal robinson cano being the hero of the game? sheff's homer exiting our atmosphere in about 1.2 seconds? the big unit pitching like some stiff for the brewers and still getting the win? the dump known as yankee stadium? seriously, it was hell on earth for a good couple of hours...

but then in the car on the way home on saturday, the big man and i found ourselves pumping fists and high-fiving left and right... it was a record setting offensive performance, the exact opposite of the night before in terms of emotion... hit after hit after hit... christ, even manny did something... it was, as my man bob ryan so eloquently stated, a laugher, something the sox needed more than even a ceremonial shot of jack daniel's... i mean it was poetry... those sycophants who call the game on yankee radio threw in the towel in the fourth inning and even though their banter for the remainder of the game was the pinnacle of idiocy, the circumstances still made it a pleasure to listen... that, combined with last night's romp (renteria, papi and manny a combined 9-for-9 in the fourth inning?!?!) and it was a proven theorum yet again... it's a goddamn marathon, ya know? and jimy williams, god bless him, was wiser than anyone ever gave him credit for being... these guys can find one of the most bizarre ways to lose to the hated archrival one night and instead of jumping off a cliff (or posting a note dripping with frustration and animosity on this fabulous website) you just wait till the next damn day and watch them smash records, break scoreboards and win going away...

now i know i'm not inventing any new, scientific formulas here... in fact, i'm sure i've even written something along these same lines just a short time ago... but honesty is the best policy and i'm telling ya, there's no other way to go about a discussion of this past weekend in the bronx...

i could talk more about the atmosphere at the stadium, e.g. the goombah who was about ready to string up the two youthful red sox fans who got up and screamed thinking extra bases when a renteria fly ball out left his bat in the first inning on friday night... or the half-hearted "boston sucks" chants that were so short, so piss-poor, they made the hideous "yankees suck" chants that some sox fans even try to start at college graduations or any other formal or informal gathering around here seem downright inspired... or the fact that there are two main reserved section 34, row e, seat5s in the left field bleachers, with no distinction bewtween which is which... or i could even get into tonight's game (which i was also at - ugh...) as proof positive that the sox have an alarming tendency to take the yankees more seriously than anyone else and to subsequently blow their collective load when playing them which naturally leads to garbage efforts like the one at fenway earlier this evening... but i won't (although there's a whole other column to be found in some of the new yankees suck-style t-shirts i saw, among them "JETER DRINKS WINE COOLERS," "A-ROD SLAPS BALLS," and (gulp) "I BANGED SHEFFIELD'S WIFE, TOO." but i won't... instead, i'll just keep reminding myself that its only the end of may, there's four months to go, getting too up or down about a single game or stretch of games at this point is a waste of time and that i finally have a link to one of the greatest sites ever, awfulplasticsurgery.com, on the right-hand sidebar... WOO-HOO!...

until next time... lates.

when you're slidin into home and your shorts are full of foam...

renteria... renteria...

nah, he's playing better of late... its the rest of the team that scares me... but fear not, gentle beings... i, your faithful servant, will be there in person at yankee stadium in the bronx tomorrow night on the greatest day ever known to man, may 27... there, with my trusty sidekick the blaze sitting right next to me, i will file a full report on the evening's proceedings - will manny get a hit? will millar finally be benched? will the big unit stymie the sox or will his recent struggles continue? will the sox keep looking like a AA team on the road, as opposed to the world beaters they appear to be at home?

personally, i think they're in trouble... they've not only let the 8 game cushion they had over they yanks completely disappear, they've fallen into fourth place, ahead of only the devil dogs... nuthin's workin right now, not the hitting, the starting pitching or the bullpen... and they're gonna need wake to be the stopper - the same wake who has strangely resembled the pitcher who has at least one stretch of 5 or more starts in which he STINKS every year over the last couple weeks... it's still to early to panic... but it sure ain't that much fun watching these days... maybe i'll be too numbed by enough $8 yankee stadium beers to notice if anything bad happens...

so stay tuned... all the coverage you need is coming soon!

ps- still 34 minutes to get those ipods, new phones, trips to hawaii and large monetary awards... i'll even except them past midnight tomorrow... just the kind of guy i am... lates.

what's the score? nuthin, nuthin... who's winning? the bears...

well, it's been a few days since i've written so naturally, i've been all rarin to go... but this goddamn weather! it's like late october, ya know? and all i want to do is crank up the heat (which even if its just for one day, will surely raise my gas bill by 423 percent) and not get out of bed... seriously, who needs this? it just ain't conducive to good quality creativity...

so anyway, due to this recent bout of weather-inflicted writer's block, i will leave you all, my faithful followers, with some links to peruse and discuss amongst yourselves... and i promise to redouble my efforts to find some inspiration and give you all something to be proud of sooner rather than later!

first, you have to see this one, mostly because it's written by one of the foremost baseball writers ever and was printed in the new york times... oh yeah, it's completely absurd and will make you laugh out loud too!

here's a good conversation point for movie lovers like the blaze, the shaft and the hairy guy from nyc... agree or disagree?

think potentially being able to cure alzheimer's and other horrifying diseases would be good? don't tell the president or he might try to have you executed for having free will and thinking for yourself...

even though some might say he's got a bit of a skewed perspective, one can always count on my man deano to speak some semblence of the truth, right deano?

finally, we have some of the coolest stuff i've seen on the web in quite some time (discounting qmov)... some of the skaters who work for dc shoes, a personal favorite brand of the captain and the fabulous chacha, have apparantly learned how to make some of the sickest hoop moves you've ever seen... i'm serious, this is worth checkin out whether you dig skating or not - hit this and the follow the instructions in the middle of the screen...

aiight, gotta come with some more substance.. it will be done and it will be done soon... until then, lates.

from what i hear, you couldn't hit water if you fell out of a fuckin boat

it's time for your favorite segment, kids... the knucklehead of the day!!!

on this glorious knucklehead day, we're going to change things up just a touch... instead of naming nominees, we're just going to give out the frickin thing right off the bat because this week, we have two knuckleheads whose actions have earned each of them status in the pantheon of knuckleheadedness, and will be recognized as such...

first winner is onterrio smith, running back for the minnesota vikings... onterrio was a nominee last week due to his unfortunate run-in with airport security over possession of the now world famous whizzinator... well today, our man was informed that he will be suspended by the nfl for the entire upcoming season due to his third positive drug test... this guy has to have set some sort of land speed record for stupidity with this one... see, he didn't show up for a scheduled drug test and in the nfl, not showing up is the same thing as testing positive... perhaps he didn't know this rather important piece of 411, which in itself is ridiculous, but it goes even further... not showing up tells me that he knew he'd fail anyway, which means that he made a decision on some conscious level to say F this and keep getting reefed, thereby screwing his team out of his talent and himself out of a couple million bucks... it's people like onterrio who make certain tree stumps look like nobel prize winners...

onterrio's compadre is kellen winslow II, tight end for the cleveland browns... kellen found out today that he has a torn acl in his knee and will miss the entire season because he was trying to do jumps and wheelies on his kawasaki special in some parking lot... this guy, who in the past has publicly anointed himself a "soldier," a "warrior," and "the chosen one," due to his immeasurable talent, tried the crotch rocket stunts even though a) he missed 14 games last season as a rookie due to a knee injury and b) has specific language in his contract noting that injuries caused by motorcycle accidents could give the team the right to take away some of his signing bonus money... what makes kellen's behavior even more knuckleheaded is the fact that his father, kellen I, is in the hall of fame, perhaps the best tight end in nfl history and was a modicum of class and dignity as a player... maybe kellen II was sick the day they taught common sense at the university of football...er, i mean miami... one thing i will say in favor of kellen II - he may be an idiot, but he's just the most recent in a long, distinguished line of idiots who played for the hurricanes... you're not alone in the miami chapter of the knucklehead club, kellen!!

one more quick thing, y'all... if you like baseball and you like star wars, even just a little, you should read this... you'll get a chuckle for sure... enjoy your weekends... lates.

ugh... it smells like a used diaper... filled with... indian food!

honeymoon's over...

the first checkpoint of the baseball season is a little over a week away which most likely means that sox fans have to stop sitting around all crack-faced about last year... nope, it's time to start caring again, sadly...

i wanted it to stay like last october forever... i don't mean waking up at 5:30 a.m. every day of the yankee series in a cold sweat - probably because i'm often still awake at 5:30 a.m. - i mean the euphoria that was oct. 27 and the week and a half leading up to it... but it's time to get serious... the sox are coasting... and the yankees (gulp) are playing like the yankees again...

yep, it's true... if you haven't been watching or paying attention, the bombers have won nine in a row now... granted, all those wins have been against shitty teams like oakland and seattle... but the sox have lost 3 of 4 to the a's and mariners and what was an 8 and a half game cushion over the $200 million team a couple weeks ago is down to 2 and a half...

now there isn't much surprise to this, ya know? every year, the sox start better, whoop the yanks in april and then go into cruise control while ny lurches ahead in the al east standings... the yankees were so bad in blowing it last fall and then in their first 30 games this year that it actually looked through the rose-colored glasses that this season would be different... but it's not... sox open up a series in the bronx on the greatest day of the year, the 27th, and it's pretty likely that by the end of the long weekend, ny will be in front in the standings...

the sox have been kinda fun this year so far - those 2 walk-offs in a row last week reminded me of the playoffs - but there isn't a lot of urgency... manny's on pace to hit 42 bombs and the 400th was cool, but he's lost at the dish sometimes - i've never seen anything like that from him anyway... the way he let that poseur yabu k him last night while they were rallying in the eighth was just plain bizarre... the new shortstop, who will be very good when its all said and done, is killing them at least twice a week both in the field and at the plate... trot's hurt again, and even though he's ripping it up now, why should anyone think he's not headed back to the dl for the 37th straight year?... and the closer has gone from being a slammed door to a human angioplasty...

listen to the radio, and the shut-ins have been awakened... they're all coming out their cocoons after a merciful early season hiatus to complain about renteria not bunting while down by one with a man on first, nobody out and with manny and papi coming up in the ninth on sunday (frickin idiot!) among other things... yes, they're losers, these basement dwellers... but the fact that they're awake and calling again by the thousands is a significant reason why last year is last year and this year is now...

another reason is the fact that the yankees are now hitting and sort of pitching at the same time - a bad combo... christ, even bernie, who is 73 years old and can't walk or lift his arm over his head, hit a game-winning granny last night off your favorite and mine, the immortal j.j. putz... some of what they're doing - tino on fire (which would be a better movie than that garbage with denzel that's on hbo everyday), solid bullpen work and a whole day without giambi being the lead story on sportscenter - won't last... but who out there thinks the yanks aren't gonna be there till the end? if you don't, please stay away from me the next time i bet on anything... and the way things look right now, it's not a lock that the wild card will come out of the east... sure, the orioles will fall apart cause of the pitching and aren't really a threat, but look at the twins and the white sox... one of those two very easily could finish better than the second placers in the east...

this is not a panic post... i'm not that worried, honest... i'm just not as blissfully blithe as i have been up to this point... watching last night really made me want to write this... bad team they should crush practically trying to give the game away and they still lose... long season, can't win em all - believe me i know... but for the first time, during that game, i felt slightly uncomfortable with what i was seeing... then they showed old man bernie's slam from seattle and it all came together...

ok so this is long - real long... hope you got through it (and notice how i didn't rip the yanks, i just talked about them, right chacha?)... i just didn't see any other way around the topic - why it's time to start caring when the sox lose/play like shit... agree or disagree? you decide... lates.

thank you for a wonderful evening... it says balls on your forehead...

there's no justifiable explanation... the sox starting pitcher tonight is named jeremy gonzalez but it's not spelled jeremy, it's spelled jeremi... a crime against nature, like three mile island, night ranger and gigli, i say...

from now on, why don't we just switch everyone's name ending in y to i? billi... tommi... casei... actually, we might be onto something with that last one...

thankfully, jeremi's third cousin by marriage, wiki gonzalez, is playing in the same game for the mariners... and it could be worse - jeremi's name could be nasty fernandez or even filthy ramirez... small victories, folks... enjoy your weekend... lates.

aristotle was not belgian, the principle of buddhism is not "every man for himself," and the london underground is not a political movement

yes folks, it's time for knucklehead day here at casa jmg and that means you, my faithful followers, are about to be introduced to a few knuckleheads before one of them ultimately gets voted KNUCKLEHEAD OF THE DAY!...

ok, the first knucklehead has to be the president, right? guy signs off on $81 billion package to finance the wars in iraq and afghanistan... now i'm not gonna get all preachy or political here because most of you would stop reading... but if reagan was the great communicator and charlie chaplin was the great dictator then bush is the great jackass...

knucklehead no. 2 is onterrio smith, running back for the minnesota vikings... our boy onterrio, who has already been suspended by the nfl twice for drug policy violations, was recently detained at an airport for carrying an elaborate drug-test-beating contraption also known as "the whizzinator"... i hear onterrio's was pink, but you can get them in all colors, shapes and sizes...

our next knucklehead is macaulay culkin, for no other reason than the fact that a) he is macaulay culkin and b) home alone sucked... still, he'll never reach the level of michael jackson on the knucklehead-o-meter...

the no. 4 knucklehead is former peabody firefighter john brophy, jr.... brophy got shitcanned last week for sleeping through a 911 call to the firehouse regarding a sick child, then also not answering three follow-up calls... naturally, brophy is appealing this decision by peabody's mayor, saying the punishment does not fit the crime... buddy, you're a frickin fireman - your job is to respond to 911 calls, a.k.a. EMERGENCIES, not sleep through them!... and yes captain, i was reading the peabody weekly news online, thank you very much...

our final nominee tonight is james toney, who whomped chelsea's own johnny ruiz at madison square garden for the wba heavyweight title a couple weekend's ago, but tested positive for steroids shortly thereafter and will subsequently be stripped of his crown as well as suspended 90 days and fined 10 g's... this one kills me... with things the way they are regarding steroids in sports right now, how could this guy, or anyone who has anything to do with him, be stupid enough to do/allow something like this? did they think he wouldn't get tested? it's like admitting you're guilty ahead of time... what a bunch of fuckin morons! harharharharharhar...

ok, that's all the time we have on tonight's edition of knucklehead day... the voting for KNUCKLEHEAD OF THE DAY begins right now... i choose the boxer and the president in a hotly contested tie... lates.

good luck with your layoffs, all right? i hope your firings go really, really well...

you're all psyched because i'm not going to talk about the pathetic celtics who aren't worth the energy expended by my fingers... woo-hoo, no more celts!!

but there are some things i'm curious about... like why the nfl won't let the new coach of the 49ers wear a suit and tie on the sideline out of respect to his father, who coached the niners 30 years ago... the league says he can only wear "league-sanctioned" apparel like that jedi master sweatshirt belichick always wears... same guys who wouldn't let jake plummer wear pat tillman's number on his shoulder pad last year because it violated the league-wide uniform code... there's really nothing more to say beyond the fact that the league, the biggest money-making pro sports league in the world, has no patience for those who dare not drink the kool-aid... it's kind of sad isn't it?

anyone had the lays chips in the can, pringles-style? they're good, but i can't imagine pringles ever putting any kind of their chips in a half-full bag that you can smell the grease from before you even open it... which i guess means more power to pringles, right?

there's actually hockey going on right now... the lowell lock monsters, the team i used to cover, is in the ahl semifinals against the providence bruins in a best-of-7 and the series is all tied up with game 3 in lowell on wednesday... you all probably forgot hockey even exists (i did for a while), but this is kind of cool... the people who run the team in the front office are way cool, the coach is a great guy and most of the players who are still there from when i was around them are all right... i still don't know what a lock monster is 3 years later, but the mascot is 9 feet tall and called louie, if that helps... anyway, i hope they win...

mike judge, the dude who created beavis and butthead and the milton cartoon that spawned office space, has a new movie coming out this summer... it's got luke wilson and takes place in the future and that's all i know, but i would probably go if was about some guy reading the phone book... you want a good laugh? click this...

the yankees have won three straight, thereby making them the odds-on faves to win the world series again... it's as if all those terminal problems that had completely ruined their season 4 days ago never even existed, right? good thing the sox built that 6-game cushion, even if they do have a player named cla...

and also, as the fabulous chacha mentioned in her last note, hats off for a moment for the clubhouse kid who died the other night... just an awful story...

finally, i just want to make a quick mention of the hairy guy from nyc... he's angry at me right now because he thinks i owe him money or something (can't imagine where he came up with that idea) so i want to give him a little bit of free publicity by directing you all here, to this pretty damn cool site... he'd do it himself, but he's having his back waxed right now and none of you can possibly imagine the sheer physics of that activity... and that, as they say, is that... viya con dios, celts... lates.

the man has only one look, for christ's sake - i feel like i'm taking crazy pills!

it's really all making me feel a little like mugatu, ya know?

it's on... Game 7 in just a few... the ultimate in sports - win and move on, lose and go home... as has been the theme all along, i have no idea what's going to happen so just sit back and enjoy, ok? we'll talk again soon...

oh yeah, almost forgot... if we get bad news in a few hours, at least we have this to cheer us up... lates.

here's my advice to the rest of you: take dead aim on the rich boys - get 'em in the crosshairs and take 'em down

the dogg thinks there should be a little bit more diversity in the content of this here site, folks, and you know what? he's probably right... so i'm going to indulge him... just not right now...

classic last night... our green boys, the ultimate trick-or-treaters if there ever were any, pull one out in the most improbable of fashions despite pierce threatening to retire the pantheon of knucklehead moves... anyone who watched that game ever see a so-called "superstar" do something so irretrievably stupid? and then the taking his jersey off and twirling it over his head as he's being escorted off the court?? he told the press, "i was just trying to rally the troops together, man." oh yeah, and he said this with his head and jaw wrapped in an ace bandage like he'd just gotten his wisdom teeth out... pierce should thank his lucky you-know-whats that the celts won, otherwise he'd forever be a member of the boston sports persona non grata circle, ya know? he should take the whole team, coaches included, to the capital grille tonight and even buy perk the juvenile delinquent an extra ice cream sundae (perk is only 20, wink-wink) for making him have to sit on the bench crying after the two missed foul shots...

and ya know what else? antoine deserves most of the credit... lots of guys stepped up - gp played good d on reggie even though it cost him legs in OT, big al was a monster and i'm convinced he will be an all-star in 3 years (and doc's quote about how last year he was playing against billy and tommy in mississippi was priceless) and ricky really stepped up with energy and smarts... but antoine, who looked like he was single-handedly trying to torpedo the team in the first half, carried them down the stretch and in OT... he must have missed 5 layups in the game, had 8 turnovers, needed 26 shots to score 24 points and didn't get to the line once... he also had the tv guys up in arms over his demeanor and body language in the first half... but when it mattered, he was the man... played 50 minutes, hit a couple HUGE shots in the end (the 3 with 18 seconds left was a) one of the ballsiest shots i've seen in a playoff game in a long time, and b) should have been the winner if it hadn't been for the pugilistic pierce) and really got down and defended when he needed to - a near miracle when one considers the fact that he's so slow and un-athletic that guarding the side of a building is tough for him...

antoine is like the whole team, personified... which celts will show up? which antoine will show up? for him to do what he did in the second half last night, especially on the heels of the previous 3 and a half games, was astonishing... that game was mystifying - i dare anyone to come up with another nba playoff ballgame - or series, for that matter - like it... i'm still not quite sure i believe the celts won... and the pacers were so complicit in the result, too... reggie, for all the great things there are to say about him, blew it last night... horrible shot at the end of regulation and couldn't even get open at the end of OT... amazing...

it goes on... no one has ever seen anything like this series, not even my man bob ryan, who, after mercifully not calling pierce a punk, wondered today, "who knows what to believe or what not to believe with regard to this series?" i sure as shit don't... if you know what's going to happen in game 7 tomorrow, why don't you let me know how i can find you so i take you with me to buy a mega millions ticket later, ok?

so dogg, i'll try to comply with your request asap... but i just couldn't today - not after that game last night... damn, i still can't believe it... lates.

hey, i recognize you - didn't you play the retarded quarterback?

i'm lost... i give up... celts by 30... no, no, pacers by 10, no, i mean celts in a tight one... or not... or definitely... i don't know what's going to happen... no one in their right or their wrong mind does... if there's any logic to this madness, it's that the celts lost a game that looked a lot more like a monster truck rally on tuesday, so they're bound to win tonight... and if there's anyone else out there like me who just wants it all to be over, i know what you're going through... stop the madness!!!

anyone see bronson today? no-hitter into the seventh... he's good, folks, he really is... i recall someone whose opinion usually depends on what the opposite of everyone else in the room thinks telling me recently that he stinks, that he'll go .500 this year, and all you need to do is look at his career record to see that's all he is - a .500 pitcher...

what this person failed to mention is that his .500 career record is in less than 30 starts meaning that no truly accurate gauge can be made on him yet, and that he now hasn't lost a decision since last summer... but other than that, he stinks... now if only someone, anyone, could get a hit with men on base... still, it's pretty cool to think that no one, not even manny, is hitting except damon, the ace and the no. 2 are hurt, the closer has been a basket case until four days ago and the big free-agent signee needs to throw 125 pitches to get through 5 innings and the boys are still 16-12, 2 and-a-half out of first and 5 up on the laughable yankees, who seemingly are about to be like "scanners" and see some very expensive exploding heads...

oooh, yeah... i forgot i promised the fabulous chacha that i woudn't spend too much time ripping the yanks... it's too bad cause i was about to get on a roll... well at any rate, time to crack a beer and watch game 6... surely there will be something noteworthy to write about after that... and by the way, here's a heartfelt thanks and adios to dave chappelle... he's done, bitch! lates.

why don't you call me some time when you have no class?

Game 5 in 3 hours... i can't make a prediction, i just can't... this team is the ultimate trick-or-treat, jekyll and hyde, never know what you're gonna get outfit i've seen in quite some time... the ass-whoopin they laid on the pacers on saturday was out of this world, but if you think that means anything come 7:30 tonight, i've got a bridge to sell ya... i'm not going to flip-flop... i picked them to lose and i'm sticking with it... but to have reached this point in a 7-game series and not have the foggiest idea what will happen next is unfamiliar territory for me... the only thing i can think of off the top of my head is that the last time they won in a blowout - Game 1 - they barely showed up 2 nights later and lost Game 2, aka the giveaway game... with that in mind, i guess they'll lose tonight... but don't quote me on it, please...

true to my word, i hit up the range a couple hours ago... man, it was great... i got nervous upon feeling a twinge in my back on my first swing in almost a year, but then everything flowed nicely, and considering i'm the biggest duffer this side of al czervik, it was a great outing... everything feels good when you're swinging, even if you suck and are lucky if 6 of your 237 balls go where they're supposed to like me... i'm serious, it's scary how bad i can be - if you don't believe me, ask dogg, the big man or tha benjah - but i don't care... i love it, and i'll be damned if i don't get out there at least a half dozen times this summer... i think i need 2 or 3 more trips to the range and then i'll be ready for at least the nine at pine meadow... anyone interested? i'll tell ya right now, it's gonna take at least 4 hours to play nine, but every minute will be worth it!

anyway, i'll leave ya with a couple head-scratching headlines - a truly weird one, at least to me, and one which observes yet another complete knucklehead, who falls into the long line of other complete knuckleheads that just don't get it...

its a beautiful day, boys and girls, just beautiful... the clubs were swingin, the celts and sox play later and all is right with the universe... enjoy it, would ya? sweet... lates.